On Friendship

Your Jewish friends need you more now than ever.

(AI generated image)

As a very social person I have always valued my friendships. Some are more superficial than others, waiting for the opportunity to deepen. Other friendships are just beginning to bloom while others have been around for a lifetime.

Some have strengthened over time, like those friendships where you might not see each other for months, or even years, but you can seemingly pick up from where you left off the last time you had a conversation or had a visit.

And then there are those friendships that end abruptly. I can count on one hand the number of friendships that I have purposefully chosen to end because I was deeply hurt, offended or taken advantage of and I found the friendship damaging to my psyche. However, most of my friendships that have ended have been the slowly disappearing kind, the ones that just peter out over time; it wasn’t about a fight, there were no words exchanged, the energy for the friendship just slowed real sloth like, the texts or calls not returned and the contact just disappeared.

But over the last three years, I have lost friendships because people either didn’t like that I believe that Israel has a right to exist or they didn’t like that I was outspoken about it. It’s been stunning to me because during these friendships Israel was never a topic of conversation, so why would it become so central to our relationship now? With some of these friends we have had huge political debates about homelessness, the economy, addictions and childcare - we didn’t always agree but having a different perspective on these items didn’t challenge our friendship the way Zionism has.

There are other friendships that I have questioned because, in spite of efforts to educate and familiarize these friends with how antisemitism, misinformation and disinformation are continuing to threaten my life and the well being of my family, they insist that posting one sided ‘news’ articles about Israel and its military efforts on social media is justified and from my perspective it appears that posting performatively is more important to them than protecting my family from hate, harassment, intimidation and violence.

How did we get here?

How is it that posting about a foreign conflict so that others will somehow see you in a certain light has become more important than protecting the people that you say you love?

How it it that friendships that focused on your shared history, shared values of empathy, kindness, and personal responsibility have descended into an untenable situation where believing in Israel’s right to exist suggests that all that history was for naught. And this is from a friend who sat at my Passover table year after year ending the seder with “Next Year in Jerusalem”?

It’s still just a few friendships, but these hurt, big time.

On the other hand, there have been some heartwarming surprises from friends who I didn’t think were paying such close attention.

I have a neighbour who within weeks of the October 7 massacre let me know that she would hide me and my family - something that many Jews have wondered over the past three years - who will hide me? This doesn’t come from a vacuum. Eighty years ago the Jews of Europe asked the same question. Just knowing that someone can ‘read the room’, see the fear and go out of their way to let you know that they are there for you, whatever the future holds, is incredibly comforting.

I have friends who have checked in regularly to say that they are stunned by the hate that I, and other more prominent Jews, have been receiving. Acknowledging that you see what we see, reaffirms that what we are experiencing is real. Those engaging in acts of hate toward Jews are telling us that we are making it up, that they are only engaging in ‘social justice’, that our fear isn’t real and that ‘intifada’ isn’t threatening. Discounting the experience of Jews is antisemitic so when our friends say that they see it too, we find comfort in that.

And there are other friends who have stood tall next to me and called out the hate, challenging those who spread blood libels. These friends choose not to remain silent at a time when defending a Jew, or the Jewish community has become a liability. These friends are our heroes. Standing up for yourself is really hard these days. It’s exhausting to defend your right to exist, to have an identity and commitment to yourself, your family and your community and to be told over and over again that you are filth, vermin, disgusting ‘baby killers’. The lies about Jews and the Jewish state are relentless and when your friends stand tall next to you and exclaim “not on my watch, not toward my friend” our load feels considerably lighter and the desire to weep with relief is tangible.

I have one friend in particular who, early on, recognized what was happening and poked by last week handing me family heirloom photographs that a long dead family member took when they were part of the armed forces that liberated Jews and others from the concentration camps. This friend understands what is at stake and the vow of ‘never again’ drove him to part with these photos, to share them with a Jewish friend with the understanding that we have failed, as a society, to make sure that ‘never again’ really does mean ‘never again’. This act, of entrusting me to make sure that these precious records get into the proper hands, is an act of courage, defiance and commitment to protecting Jews and the Jewish community.

I have included some of these shocking photos below (not AI generated).

So be warned.

They are hard to look at.

As I look at these photos, weeping for those who were humiliated, terrorized and dehumanized 80 years ago, my mind keeps superimposing these old photos to the well documented massacre at the Nova festival - the dehumanized bodies of Jews, treated like trash, mutilated in unimaginable ways on October 7, 2023.

What happened to never again?

Some may be upset that I am using these photos for shock value - so what if I am?

How else are we going to get your attention that what happened on October 7 and what is happening now to Jews in our communities is similar to what happened 80 years ago in Europe?

I cannot, not see it.

I cannot, not see the same thing happening again.

We cannot look away. You cannot look away.

And now, almost three years after the October 7 massacre, Jews around the world are being terrorized, as if October 7 didn’t even happen. We are the targets of attacks throughout Europe, Australia, the US and here in Canada. These are not just social media or verbal attacks. We are being targeted for harassment, intimidation and destruction. When we point this out we are accused of lying or overstating. We are silenced and chastised. Our institutions are being threatened. We are dehumanized and delegitimized for being Jews. We are being killed too.

And we are exhausted.

So if you have a Jewish friend, here is what you can do:

Call them.

Tell them you see what they are experiencing.

Don’t argue with them. If they point out that what you are doing makes life for them, their family and their community less safe, believe them and act accordingly.

Stand up for them. Fight along side them to push back on the hate, the lies and the manipulation.

We have a lot of work to do to get to a better place, but the world’s 15.8 million Jews can’t do it alone.